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Prerequisite to
Breeding
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU
ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS
MESS TEST Smear peanut
butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and
leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST Obtain a 55
gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend
spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at
night.
GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow
one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.
DRESSING TEST Obtain one
large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that
all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST Obtain a
large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling
with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now
dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST Prepare by
obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it
thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag
until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get
up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up
about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00
a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look
cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST Take an egg
carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an
alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive
Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a
milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the
BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in
the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the
cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.
Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to
notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a
while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to
the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office
and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last
time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a
couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that
they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Forwarded by Subscriber B.E. over
the internet. Sorry, author unknown but highly intuitive and the parent of
five or more children.
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